Responsum: On Postponing a Wedding

Question 4: Reuben, a young Torah scholar from the city of Tiberias, contracted a marital arrangement with Rachel, the daughter of his uncle Jacob, from the city of Sepphoris. This is the text of the document of the arrangement, word for word:

Several days later, in the wake of a plague that hit the city of Tiberias, Reuben arrived with his parents to his father-in-law’s house, where they were received with great honor and joy. Upon hearing that God had delivered His people and that the plague had passed, the rabbi, Reuben’s father, wanted to return home and he wished to take Reuben with him. However, Jacob held him back, saying that he preferred to hasten the blessed match and that he was concerned that if Reuben were to go he might be delayed for a good while.

The rabbi spoke to a close acquaintance of Jacob’s and asked him to have a word with Jacob and inform him that he wants to take his son with him so that he can teach him Torah, wisdom, and let him know the ways of discernment [see Isaiah 40:14]. As for his worry that he might delay his return, Reuben will utter a powerful, stringent oath that he will not stay away for longer than such-and-such a date, and that he unequivocally accepts upon himself to return happily after that period and enter the marriage canopy, with God’s will.

The mediator spoke with Jacob, and as befitting his great humility and holiness the latter stated that he did not want the suitor to swear an oath. Rather, he should bind his soul with a bond [see Numbers 30:3], a promise that he will come to his house on the appointed day. Reuben did not defer to do this thing [see Genesis 34:19], and it was duly written and signed in the presence of two valid witnesses that he would postpone his return no later than the predetermined date. Thus, he departed in peace to Tiberias.

Yet when Reuben arrived there the plague had returned, and he therefore went back to Sepphoris, where he stayed, together on warm, affectionate terms, with Jacob acting like a father to him, while Reuben was like his firstborn [see Psalms 89:28], as he was very dear to him. Accordingly, the rabbi intended to establish his permanent residency in Sepphoris.

However, over time more than one quarrel broke out between the women, and from Tiberias they sent a message to the rabbi asking him to return home, and he indeed agreed to go back to Tiberias with his son. At this stage, Jacob sent a messenger to his son-in-law Reuben, informing him that he was concerned that he might stay away too long and he wanted to be able to rejoice in his daughter’s happiness, as it was time for her to be married. Furthermore, he had observed all the arguments between the women, and he was worried that Reuben’s mother might upset the relatives of the bride and keep him away for longer. He added that for this reason he now wants to be stringent with Reuben and have him utter a binding promise that will include his acceptance of the naziriteship of Samson with all its conditions, as two unusual matters are remembered [see b. Ḥullin 75b].

Reuben responded in kind, that he would do whatever Jacob requested, and accordingly he came before two Torah scholars and accepted upon himself the binding promise and the naziriteship. This is the text of the document that was drafted:

About three months after he had left for Tiberias, Reuben sent a letter to his father-in-law’s relatives, asking them to speak to his father-in-law on his behalf to inform him that he does not want this daughter of Jacob [see Genesis 34:19], as she has a blemish, for she has bowed legs, and that when he came to Sepphoris and saw this blemish he fainted in his distress.

Jacob responded that this is not a blemish, it is just a minor thing, as it is barely noticeable, since she walks just like all healthy, fine women. Furthermore, he had already informed them before the arrangement the absolute truth about this matter, and he has valid witnesses who will attest that he had told them. In addition, the matchmaker was Reuben’s own brother, and the blemish was present before the arrangement and he saw the girl himself. And since the girl’s father told Reuben’s brother to inform them about this matter, and he did so, Reuben had clearly accepted it and agreed. Moreover, he opens his mouth with vanity [see Job 35:16] in his claim that he fainted when he saw her, as in fact he stood there for a considerable period of time in love, brotherhood, peace, and friendship. If he is correct that he retracted at that time, why did he bind himself a strong bond, not once but twice? Instead, he should have revealed the truth.

Reuben did not answer anything about the first bond, but regarding the second bond he replied that he acted due to circumstances that were beyond his control, as his father-in-law Jacob, and his uncle Joseph both said to him: “Since you are going to Tiberias, give us the measured coins that we gave you,” and at that time he did not have the coins in his possession. He was afraid that they would prevent him from leaving, as they were powerful men and had the means to do so, either through Jews or the gentile authorities. He had also observed that there was a pestilence in the city, and he felt that he would endanger himself by staying there. In light of these circumstances, he agreed to all their requests; they were not of his own mind (Numbers 16:28).

Jacob retorted that this account is entirely inaccurate. He never asked anything from him; rather, Reuben acted completely out of his own free-will. If Reuben is correct, why didn’t he put out a notice to that effect? After all, Tiberias is a very large city. As for Reuben’s claim that he was frightened because his father-in-law and brother are powerful people, it is well-known throughout the land, to all those who see the sun [see Ecclesiastes 7:11] that they are actually agreeable and forbearing [see b. Eruvin 18b], the meek of the earth (Isaiah 11:4). All the more so are they law-abiding, and therefore, if he would have brought his case before the judge that is present in these days [see Deuteronomy 17:9], they would not have prevented him from carrying out his duties, God forbid. They would never do such a thing, not to one like him nor to a lesser man.

Reuben further claimed that as soon as his mother heard that he had accepted upon himself the naziriteship of Samson, she had fallen seriously ill, and he does not want to upset his mother.

Now the question raised here is whether, based on this version of events, Reuben can exempt himself from the oath that he took to God at the time of the marital arrangement, in light of the fact that he already knew about the blemish and had accepted it. The same question applies to the powerful bond that he swore and the severe naziriteship of Samson, whether he can exempt himself through a claim that he invented—as there are no witnesses—that his oath should be seen as mere words of appeasement [see b. Bava Meẓi‘a 66a], as he was bitter, and such an act should not be done in Israel [see Genesis 34:7]. Another factor is that he already accepted upon himself the reasoning of the most severe legal authority.

He is praying, as this matter cannot wait, that he will receive a triumphant response, and that his claim should be judged right before all men [see Genesis 20:16], and their reward will be doubled over and again, from God in heaven.