Shevet musar (Rod of Correction): Instructions for a Wife

Instructions to a Wife So That Her Husband Will Love Her and Not Beat Her

These are the conditions for a proper wife so that she will be cherished by her husband, so that he will not come to set his mind on another woman, perish the thought, because this is the reason for children not being well brought up [see b. Nedarim 20b].

• Condition I: A wife should be clean in her dress, and her clothing should be white at all times [see Ecclesiastes 9:8], and no stain from anything shall be found upon it so that she will not be repulsive in her husband’s eyes because this is a reason to stop loving her and to think about another woman, God forbid, and even if she is poor and lacks clothing nevertheless those tattered rags that she wears should be laundered and clean from every stain.

• Condition II: Let all her words with her husband be calm, in a charming way, with a soft tongue, and not in a loud voice and definitely not in anger and fury lest her husband’s anger burn like fire and he might come to curse her, hold her in contempt, and hit her. Once he has done that, he will become used to it and they will come to an emotional separation [lit. “separation of hearts”]. Each one will choose a path and he will think about another woman and she about another man and the sons that are born from them will be the children of their immoral thoughts. Furthermore, the ones who are born learn from the actions of their father seeing their father hit and curse their mother, they too do that—curse her and hit her. Therefore, let the wife be patient and not irascible because even a moment of anger toward her husband brings all the aforementioned bad things down upon her. And even if her husband is angry at her, she should suffer it, for the moment of his anger. For it is the nature of man that he is quickly soothed from his anger and will soon reconcile with her, for man is made from dust and he is easily pacified, as stated by our rabbis of blessed memory.

• Condition III: If a wife sees that her husband is pressed [for money] she must not ask him many questions, even for household needs. She should make great efforts to restrain herself since she sees that as he does not possess the means to bring anything, what good will her demand do? And if he sees that she behaves cruelly with him, he too will cease loving her and be cruel toward her, and his hatred for her will be preserved eternally [see Amos 1:11]. If he is too ashamed to face her, he will have to stand at the crossroads and steal and rob to satisfy her demands [see b. Sanhedrin 72a]. Or he will travel overseas or across the desert, or he will fall off a mountain, or a wild beast will pounce on him. Then he will be buried alone and there will be no one to testify about him [that he is dead] and she will remain living in widowhood all her life [see 2 Samuel 20:3], and her children will effectively be orphans. Hence, when a wife sees that her husband is in trouble, she should show abundant mercy in prayer for him before God by evening, morning, and noon [see Psalms 55:18] so that God will be merciful to him by her merit or by his merit or by the merit of his sons—or in the joint merit of all three together. Even more so during times of distress she should show him a smiling face and mollify him with words and strengthen him with promises. When the man sees his wife’s love for him, even though he is destitute, there will be joy in his heart and his worries will be allayed, and his fortune will rise up regarding his sons, livelihood, and sustenance.

• Condition IV: If a wife sees that some financial misfortune or intrigue has been plotted against him, and he is sad and worried, she should comfort him and lighten the hard things in his eyes with gentle, charming words—that draw a man’s heart out with words—and a smiling face. She should say to him, “I will love you always (Jeremiah 31:2), and I see your face like the face of angels of God [see Genesis 33:10], and therefore I came forth to meet you, diligently to seek your face, and I have found you (Proverbs 7:15). Come my beloved (Song of Songs 7:12), let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves (Proverbs 7:18).” When the husband hears such pleasant words of solace, he will remove the sadness from his heart and if he then has relations with her, her children will be good, wise, and intelligent, the opposite of him who has relations with his wife in a state of sadness and worry, for in this case, the infant that is produced is obtuse and foolish, as the secular scholars said.

• Condition V: A wife should not be lazy, not only in the needs of her household and certainly not in the words that come from her husband’s mouth. Laziness causes poverty in the house since laziness ensures uncleanliness in the house, and when she and her house are unclean, a sense of poverty is upon them like a heavy burden. Even if there are garments and vessels in the house—because of the effect of laziness—they are dirty and torn like the clothes and utensils of the poor. When her husband enters the house, even though he comes happy from the market, and he smells the mildew and sees the general filth of the house in several types of obstacles lying in the middle of the house, such as a greasy pitcher and the jug, and sooty pots in every corner that have remained there from the previous night’s cooking. And this will cause him to covet his friend’s house that is clean of any obstacle and any stink, and from envy of the house he will be drawn to covet his friend’s wife too, who is careful in cleaning the house. Thus we find that the lazy wife causes her husband to violate the negative commandment: You shall not covet your friend’s house; you shall not covet your friend’s wife (Exodus 20:14). And her husband will constantly pray about her that God in high heaven will answer him and in a few days she will depart from this world. And they will come to quarrels and fights that causes the destruction of the house and its vessels. Therefore the wife should throw off laziness from upon her and be nimble in the work of her hands and place the eyes of her inspection on all the needs of the household so that her house will be clean like the house of a king, regardless if she has a lot or a little. She should set her eyes on her husband’s and children’s clothing: to clean them from all stains and fold them so that her husband and children will not be contemptible in the eyes of the public. For if people see them disheveled, they will not respect them, and she will thereby bring a curse upon for herself when they say, “Cursed be the wife who does not clean her husband’s and children’s clothing.” Laziness also causes a woman not to be careful about the stains of her menstruation, which disqualifies her children since they are the children of menstruating woman. Her punishment will be severe, as she and her husband become forfeit in this world and the world to come.

• Condition VI: A wife should always maintain an image of her husband as if he were always before her; this image should be etched into her heart as if he were a king. And if he is poor and dressed in torn clothing, she should imagine in her mind that he is like a king who has changed his clothes so that people will not recognize him as is the manner of kings—as we have found with Saul, who went to the woman that consults familiar spirits (1 Samuel 28:7). This will cause the man to increase his love for her and will in turn cause her children to be male, as was written by our R. Bahya of blessed memory: a woman who gives seed first bears a male [see, e.g., b. Berakhot 60a]. Because the woman’s love for her husband is strong and his form is before her eyes because of her great desire for him, she gives seed first and the infant that is produced is according to the form that was before her eyes, that is to say her husband, and a male is formed like him; see R. Bahya’s comments for more detail.

• Furthermore, if the wife thinks about her husband and places his form before her eyes even when he is out and she imagines to herself that he is in, and prevents herself from any wrongdoing as she thinks that her husband is before her, watching her, for this is how imagination works. Also, when she is thinking about her husband, her heart turns away from dwelling on other things that cause thoughts of wantonness, laughter, or frivolity that lead to indecency, as is known from our sages of blessed memory [see m. Avot 3:13]. The imagination acts upon her as if her husband sees her and therefore all the wife’s thoughts will only be about the needs of the household. If she imagines the form of her husband as if he were with her there in the house, she will refrain from speaking too much with anyone, even with her female relatives.

• Condition VII: A wife should not speak a lot in front of her husband—she should be like the bride under the wedding canopy because a woman’s mind is frivolous [see b. Shabbat 33b] and there is no order to her words, and most of them are incomprehensible and disjointed. When her husband notices her lack of intelligence, he will come to hate her or wish her death; perhaps he will chance upon a woman of intelligence whose words are to be laid in the balance (Psalms 62:10), for he does not know that they are all the same in this regard, because he does not have the experience. How will the woman repair this? She should not say much in front of her husband, as noted, and even more so, she should neither speak of disgusting things before him nor utter insipid words from her mouth with her husband.