A Jewish Wedding in South Russia

Of all festivities celebrated among the Jews in southern Russia, the wedding ceremony has suffered the greatest loss of characteristic elements of folk tradition. Even among the poorest, weddings are now usually celebrated following a general European template, except, of course, for the inclusion of idiosyncrasies related to religious aspects. Twenty-five years ago, I had the opportunity to attend an authentic traditional wedding conducted with all the details described below. Since then one characteristic trait after another has rapidly disappeared, not due to internal but rather to external circumstances that restricted entertainment at weddings and other festivities. The most significant factor in this regard was the anti-Jewish persecution of the 1880s, which weighed heavily on the souls of the people. In addition, feelings both of self-respect and of self-preservation advised against street parades to avoid being scorned and raped by the non-Jewish population. This motive played a larger role in the cities because in the countryside relations with non-Jews were and are better. First, one gave up parading through the streets accompanied by music, and finally even the official jester, the badkhn [Badchen], who was the soul of the celebration, was cut.

When children reached marriageable age, mothers would usually try to give the end piece of a loaf of bread, probably with the goal of removing them from the household with the last piece and getting them to set up their own. A much more rational means for finding a suitable match for marriageable young folks was to speak with the shadkhn (marriage broker). Every small town counts a few professional shadkhonim among its inhabitants who keep exact records about marriageable youths and are in touch with shadkhonim in towns near and far. Usually they do not wait until they are called but come on their own to the house with suggestions. If the parents show interest in one of the suggested matches, relatives and acquaintances are mined for information about the family, finances, and health of the person in question. Inquiries are made about the name of the future daughter-in-law. If it is the same as the mother-in-law’s, the negotiations are broken off immediately because identical names are thought to bring misfortune to the future couple. More rational is the following explanation: since it had been the general custom, still observed in some areas, that the young couple was to live with the parents of the groom for several years, identical names of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law could lead to unpleasant confusions and disturb the peace in the house. For the same reason, although with less anxiety, identical names of father-in-law and groom are avoided. When everything looks right, a day is set for the young people to meet; usually the groom undertakes the trip on foot or by conveyance “a kaleh onkicken”¹ [to look over the bride]. If the groom lacks money he borrows expensive fur and other articles of clothing, depending on the season, to impress the bride’s parents. Usually the groom is accompanied on this visit by his father and the shadkhn. The father of the bride receives the guests, and shortly afterwards, the bride is led into the room by her mother and is seated in a corner in the groom’s line of vision. The young people are not allowed to talk to each other. In order to display the bride’s physical attributes, the parents ask her to do a variety of small tasks over the course of the evening that require her to get up and to answer them. Nowadays, people are less strict and the young people are allowed to speak to each other leisurely, and they are even left in a room by themselves to reduce the embarrassment. If the young man finds favor, he is invited to repeat his visit. Since everything, except for the groom’s personality, had been researched by the parents beforehand, everything is clear after two or three visits and the match is made. The young people have conveyed their affirmation to their parents and they continue to discuss the matter. Now the betrothed say yes to each other and then convey this to the parents. Shortly afterwards the engagement, knassmuhl, is celebrated.

The engagement is celebrated as festively as the wedding itself. To the knassmuhl all relatives as well as close friends of both families are to be invited. The father of the bride, who bears the cost, hosts the celebration in his home. Shortly before or shortly after the declaration of the engagement, the dowry is transferred to a bank or to a rich relative. Its size has been agreed upon by the parents. A dowry is usually deposited only by the bride; but frequently the groom too deposits a small sum. At the end of the festive meal the tnayim (engagement contract), is read out loud by the prayer leader [ forbeter] or someone competent, while parents and guests throw clay dishes to the ground to smash them. For their engagement, the parents present gifts to the betrothed couple. It is customary that the mother of the groom gives jewelry to the bride and the father of the bride a watch and chain to the groom. Not infrequently the engagement falls apart when negative information about one of the parties is discovered. Then the tnayim are torn up and the gifts are returned, which can lead to quarrels.

During the engagement the date of the wedding, chassene spielen, is set; usually it takes place a few months later to leave time to assemble the trousseau. In addition to the times proscribed by religious law for weddings, Mondays, Wednesdays and the last quarter of each Jewish lunar month are also avoided as wedding days. The reason for the latter is that the young couple ought not to have a masel (fate) resembling a night at the end of the month. Tuesday and Friday are considered favorable days; on Fridays only the marriage ceremony takes place; the festive meal follows on Sunday evening. [ . . . ]

At the same time the Vorspiel² would take place in the house of the bride. In the afternoon, the bride’s girlfriends assembled there accompanied by their mothers; joyous dancing would last into the late evening hour. Prosperous people could afford to hire Christian musicians; otherwise, older women used laundry bats and boards to produce music that wasn’t particularly pleasant. After sundown the Jewish musician arrived, who had been engaged beforehand. When the girls had enough of the dancing, they left. The parents, close relatives, and musicians then went to the groom’s house; occasionally the bride was allowed to come as well. Noisy merrymaking ensued at the groom’s house until late into the night. In the house of the groom as in the house of the bride during the Vorspiel, the badkhn entertains his audience with jokes, funny stories, and improvisations.

On the following Sunday, the badkhn had the task of presenting on a beautiful tray the undergarments that the bride has sewn to the grandmother, midwife, wet nurse and so on; this process was often accompanied by music and the badkhn sang either a song he had learned somewhere or improvised his own. Here is an example:

The badkhn’s songs were not always improvised. It appears that badkhns not only borrowed from each other, but also used songs that did not contain original contributions. At least the local badkhn gave me a few yellowed sheets with songs that served him as models for his own compositions. Moreover, when I asked him for wedding songs, he always wrote down for me, over the course of many years, the same songs with only slight changes. This is understandable enough when you consider that the subject matter of a wedding song is really quite narrow and that what the badkhn has to present is on everybody’s mind; very few people have the talent to articulate it. In addition, biblical passages that refer in any way to weddings are not very numerous and were generally well known then. Eventually the badkhn jokes became widespread and part of what people knew, and their authors were forgotten. For that reason I think I am right to consider the badkhn songs part of folklore and thus cite them here.³ [ . . . ]

After the girls braided the bride’s hair, the bridesmaids and older women arrived “to seat the bride.” The bride was guided to a separate room and in the presence of witnesses was dressed in fresh garments and was assisted in preparing her outer appearance. Then she was led to the wedding room where the badkhn and musicians were already waiting. While the women were seating her on a chair and were undoing the braids, the badkhn was reciting gram [customary rhymed couplets about the mixed fate of a Jewish bride] for her in a melancholy tone, the content of which becomes clear in the following example. Everyone in the room would cry, especially the bride, who remained in this pose, a handkerchief pressed to her eyes, in the circle of the older women, until the groom appeared. [ . . . ]

A Speech [in German, Yiddish, and Hebrew]

The gemore in Berakhot [16a] says: khosn layle harishoyne poter mikrishm (a groom is exempt from saying the Shema‘). So we ask a kashe (question): what pushes the gemore to say khosn layle harishoyne poter mikrishm[e]? Rashi answers, because he is tored bemitsve (preoccupied with [fulfilling] a mitzvah), therefore he is poter (exempt) from krishme (saying the Shema‘). The question arises: How does Rashi know this? The answer is: Rashi derives it from a verse in the Book of Ruth [see 3:7]: vetabe Rus el Buez vetalakh belat vetishkev bemi regloysev. So the kashe is posed: Why did she lie down at his feet, why not at his head, or even right away at this side? The answer is given as a terets (excuse, pretext): Boaz did not know that Ruth was such a wild rose that she would come to him at night and rouse him from sleep. On account of such a mayse he continued to recite the Shema‘.⁴ In the Shema‘ he said: “on the right Michael” and placed the angel Michael on his right side, “on the left Gabriel,” and Gabriel on his left; “before me Uriel,” and before him the angel Uriel; “and behind me Raphael”—and the angel Raphael at his shoulders, “and above my head, God almighty.”⁵ And as he was surrounding himself like this with angels while saying the Shema‘, Ruth ended up without a spot to lie down. Therefore the holy gemore decreed that the groom should not recite the Shema‘ on their first night together because in reciting it, he surrounds himself with angels, and then where should the bride lie down? Hence the gemore teaches khosn layle harishoyne poter mikrishme and is thereby also tored bemitsve, so that the bride must have a place to “lie down.”

Afterwards the parents of the bride and the newlyweds are seated at a table and guests present the young couple with the Druschegeschank (announced gifts), usually money, as the badkhn calls out the name of the giver and the amount of the gifted money, while making jokes and poking fun at the donors, often with mordant wit and sarcasm. The collected money is pocketed by the father of the bride and one transitioned to the “Vivetes” [lit. “may you live long,” i.e., le-ḥayim]. One by one, the guests congratulate first the father of the bride, who is sitting at the table on which wine and sweets are served; they shake his hand, say a few words, and then clink their glasses with him. But before doing that, the guests first turn to the badkhn, who calls out: “Such and such wishes the father-in-law a beautiful vivet.” The musicians play a short, but full piece, and afterwards are paid with the badkhn. When the congratulations are completed the badkhn asks the father of the bride to dance with her. He holds out a corner of his handkerchief to her while holding the other end himself, and leads her through the room while the music is playing. [ . . . ]

As explained above, the modern wedding differs from the one described here, first by the fact that badkhn is missing and therefore everything connected to him is omitted. Thus the particular charm that he lent to these occasions is gone. Second, the veiling of the bride was dropped along with all rituals connected to it. And, finally, the wedding is no longer as much in public view as before. Of course it is not possible to establish a fixed model; the sum total of the customs used at a modern wedding depend on the financial and educational status of the betrothed as well as on the views held in the location where the wedding takes place.